


Fancy Sandwiches, or How to Bond with Your Kid(s)

by TheColorBlue



Category: Avengers (Comics), The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Banner always angry, Gen, Hulk surprisingly well-adjusted thanks, Legion is a ball of lint, Magneto is their evil uncle, Multiplicity/Plurality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-06
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-20 12:04:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/585225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheColorBlue/pseuds/TheColorBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hulk knows how to make a great sandwich.<br/>Notes: Characterization mostly pulled from <a href="http://magickedteacup.tumblr.com/tagged/avengers-assemble">Avengers Assemble #9</a> and also inspired by <a href="http://magickedteacup.tumblr.com/post/37244904117/lomonte-day-ruiner-1-huh-9-9">this</a>. Also, any mentions of Legion is likely some version of my Legion (<a href="http://archiveofourown.org/series/17460">A Clutch of Ducklings, etc.</a>), and not Marvel's. </p><p>Christmas Special Part 2 now up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hulk knows how to make a great sandwich. 

No, really, he does. 

…Okay, it tastes great to him, all right? 

A big guy like him has a heck of a way of burning his way through the calories, and he likes putting everything that’s around on his sandwiches: all kinds of deli meats, or slices of grilled chicken, or egg salad or tuna salad. Mustard and mayo. Peanut butter and bananas. Slices of cucumber done up really thin and also tomatoes and lettuce and spinach and alfalfa sprouts. Avocado. Cheese in all flavors: Swiss, or sharp cheddar, or American. He’ll even cut the sandwiches up nice and stick little decorative toothpicks through the top to hold it all together. He can be fancy about it too, you know? 

Anyway, so he makes sandwiches. Then he makes smoothies, topped off with whipped cream and maraschino cherries and all of that, because he’s having lunch with their sons Skaar, who’s back for the weekend from school at Charles Xavier’s Institute. For a while, Bruce was doing homeschooling with Skaar, but then he worried about Skaar and puny Skaar not getting exposed enough to kids their own age. Apparently it’s going okay, since Xavier’s gets all kinds of strange types. Skaar was complaining for a while that the Xavier kids, Legion, was sticking to him like fur on a lint roller, but then Legion showed up to school one day with their hair up in a Mohawk, which apparently was sufficiently impressive to stop the complaining. 

They’re having lunch together this weekend, Hulk and puny Skaar. Big Skaar had spent the morning going over some kind of tactical training with Bruce, and Hulk was going to have quality time with the little guy. They switched off every time. Now they’re up in Avenger’s Tower, and puny Skaar is setting up the laptop on the table so that they can watch Bruce’s award-winning lecture or whatever as posted on youtube. 

Hulk sets out the sandwiches. Then he gets the pickle jar, and also a large bag of potato chips. Also apples, because he wants Skaar to have some fresh fruit on the plate too. 

So they’re feasting on sandwiches and the whole rest of it, and get as far as Bruce expounding on the evils of corporate greed and the misuse of modern technology, when Skaar says, through a mouth full of sandwich, “Dad really is dour, isn’t he?” 

Hulk grunts. He helps himself to another pickle from the jar. Then he says, “How does it go: Banner always angry.” 

Skaar looks up at Hulk, and Hulk looks back. Then Skaar smirks, and Hulk smirks too. They trade gentle fist bumps, and then go back to watching the video.

\---

Both Skaars sometimes ask about the Green Scar, and Hulk doesn’t know what to tell them. He never really knew the guy, if that makes any sense. They don’t have to ask about Banner, but that’s because Banner timeshares these days, fairly even, with the so-called Savage Hulk. That’s him, you know. It’s a weird nickname, because Hulk likes to think of himself as a pretty okay guy. He’s pretty happy, actually. They have a home, kind of, and teammates who more or less look out for them too, and there are movie nights and pizza with Steve and Carol and Tony and Logan and Peter and…okay, if he had to list them all it’d take forever, the point is people are being nice to him. And then there was that business where he and Banner found out they had a son, sons really, from a stint on another planet, and their sons turned out to be pretty okay. They were good kids. 

They _are_ good kids.

\---

“This is really weird,” Jessica Drew says, coming in on their sandwich and video session. “Put it here, kid.”

Skaar gives her a high five. 

Then she comes round the counter and Hulk gives her a very gentle high five too. 

She sits next to Skaar and helps herself to an apple. 

“So what have we learned today?” Jessica asks, tilting her head at the screen.

Skaar sucks mustard off his knuckle. “My other dad doesn’t quite believe in hope for humanity, I think,” he says. “Well, only a little bit. Like this much.” He holds up his thumb and forefinger, demonstrating the tiny gap. 

“Huh.” Jessica takes a bite from her apple. 

“But my dad the Hulk is pretty okay with life, and thinks if I spend too much time watching other dad’s science lectures, it’s going to be a bad influence on me.”

Hulk makes a rumbling noise of agreement. “Banner too pessimistic.” Then he adds, “Iron Man bad influence too. No common sense. And he cheats in bets.”

“Look, all I’m going to say here is that I’m staying out of your domestic disagreements with Banner, okay? I like my head where it is: on my shoulders.” Then Jessica helps herself to some potato chips from the giant bag. “Also, this is youtube we’re talking about, right? We should be watching funny cat videos. Or something. Or take advantage of Stark’s flat screen to watch a real movie.”

Skaar closes out the window on the laptop screen.

Hulk starts collecting their plates. 

They take all the food to the living area to watch _The Fellowship of the Ring_ , which is Jessica’s idea, probably because of _The Hobbit_ film that is coming out soon. These movies are full of good fighting evil, and also about virtue and self-sacrifice. Hulk likes to think that this too will be a good influence on Skaar, even if all the parts with Gollum in the later films make him really uncomfortable. Jessica helped, last time they watched, by distractions via ridiculous commentary. The rest of the movies are pretty good though. 

\---

“I don’t know,” Skaar says, when the elves show up to save the hobbits from the ring wraiths. “All the funny light and glowing with that woman showing up. It seems kind of silly. Kind of dramatic.”

“A kid after my own heart,” Tony announces, from where had walked in on the film, standing just behind the couch, just behind Skaar. 

“If you say a word about magic—“ Jessica says.

“I hate goddamn magic,” Tony sings, and grinning with it. 

“Shhhh,” Hulk says, which comes out louder than anyone else, and Skaar guzzles down more milkshake (through a green, biodegradable straw, courtesy of Banner) and is noisy about it. He’s finished all of his sandwich, and also potato chips, pickles, and an apple. Hulk wonders out aloud if maybe Skaar would like it if Hulk made some popcorn too, but Skaar just shakes his head and says, “Just watch the movie, Dad.”

They all sit quietly, watching the movie, until Tony starts makes inane comments about the very magical looking Rivendell. 

Jessica tells him to go away if he doesn’t want to watch. 

Tony doesn’t go away.

Skaar slurps down all the way to the bottom of his milkshake glass, then pats his stomach afterwards with a contented noise. 

Hulk is very happy.


	2. Christmas Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characterization of Legion is definitely drawing from _But the World is So Much Grander_ verse, but at the same time, elements of this particular universe are a little different again as well. Hopefully it doesn't get too confusing in the storytelling.

The first year Skaar(s) experienced the holiday season of New York, Bruce muttered something about the annual “Gift-giving Day of Obligation” and “materialistic holidays honoring capitalism and consumerism.” 

Then he’d plunked a hot chocolate down in front of big Skaar watching _A Muppet Christmas Carol_ in the apartment living room. The hot chocolate had been steaming hot, and complete with whipped cream and cinnamon powder on top. Big Skaar was nuts about the muppets. Puny Skaar was partial to Kermit himself, just because of the funny way the frog folded his face when in an upset. 

\---

Hulk said, “Hulk agnostic; don’t feel strongly either way about Christmas.” Then, “Skaar too old for Santa Claus.” Except the way it came out was almost slightly a question, and also a little wistful.

\---

Every year, the Avengers had a veritable tour of functions and charities that its various members participated in, including fundraising for the city’s needy, dinners at soup kitchens, dinners with the paying public, and appearances in Times Square. It was the season of giving or something, and Legion had suggested taking a shopping trip to get gifts for their fathers. 

Legion was a lot of kids, but usually it was David, Julia, and Kostas who used to be Sparrow who used to be Wart who used to be Spoons. Kostas had been trying on names for a few years, but he said nowadays, Kostas felt about right. Skaars didn’t care. Big and puny Skaar were used to eking it out alone, and were skeptical of a bunch of kids who seemed to be sticking to them so closely because, as they put it, “we’ve got something in common, something that’s even different from a lot of other people.”

“That’s what our Dad would say, anyway,” David confided. The two of them were standing in front of the Avengers Tower’s lobby windows. Fancy snowflakes and evergreen trees had been painted in white against the glass. Today, Legion was wearing their long hair in an elaborate braid, shot through with highlights in gold and red. “Dad says, that’s how the school got started in the first place: because people who had something in common stuck out for each other.” He gave Skaar a quick, almost furtive sideways look. “Don’t you ever… didn’t you ever feel different? Even from everyone else, all the superheroes or mutants or whoever?”

Puny Skaar sniffed, ungraciously. He was wearing a huge scarf and a knit hat that Bruce had cajoled them into. “I’ve always been different. We’ve always been monsters, anyhow.” He jerked his head towards their Dad, over on the other side of the lobby, who was talking in no-nonsense terms with Legion’s Evil Uncle Erik. That was what Legion liked to call him. Okay, so Erik Lehnsherr wasn’t actually evil. But it sounded pretty funny, right? There was a time where Magneto had been running amok “on the dark side” or whatever, but nowadays he was better. He was mostly a good guy. 

“Our dads,” Skaar said, “are like us, anyway. We’re not alone.”

David Haller just got really quiet then, and Skaar looked at him. Eventually the vague pang of guilt started in as well. Even if Legion acted all the time like a huge ball of lint that refused to unstick itself from Skaar’s hideous holiday scarf. 

To distract himself, Skaar blew on the window of the lobby, watching it fog up. There was snow coming down outside. He could feel big Skaar as a vague presence in the back of his mind, but mostly they didn’t bother each other overly, and it was nice. Who even needed a brother hanging over your shoulder all the time. They’d talk about appropriate gifts, but otherwise big Skaar was just chilling, just a little outside puny Skaar’s immediate attention. 

Skaar pressed his nose against the cold glass. He stepped back a little, looking at the smudge. Then he said to David, “So your Evil Uncle Erik is taking us out, huh? Aren’t we old enough to take care of ourselves?”

David shrugged. “Well, you know, evil uncles.” Then something of Julia seemed to come out. She smiled, her mouth tweaking at one corner. The words were styled with her inflection, “We’re just going to have to be sneaky when we buy him his gift. Kostas is saying that we need to get him something awful, like a bright red and purple tie, but I don’t know.”

Skaar smirked at that, even as inwardly he was getting more thoughtful, contemplative-like. 

Skaar didn’t even know what he wanted to get his dads yet. Maybe mugs with something funny on them. Or a fancy sandwich grill for the Hulk. Then Evil Uncle Erik was sweeping toward them, followed by dour Bruce Banner, and Skaar just _looked_ at Erik, and Julia giggled. 

Skaar wasn’t afraid of big, bad Magneto. 

Erik Lehnsherr just smiled coolly back, looking very dangerous and nearly aristocratic in his dark clothes and expensive-looking coat. In the meanwhile, cold wind was coming in through the automatic doors, people going in and out; the air smelled a little like ice and car exhaust, mixing with the warm and faintly hot chocolate smell of the lobby. 

Their Dad looked down at Skaar. He said, “Skaar, now remember, I already told you, I don’t really need anything, so don’t worry about spending too much or being too crazy about this—“

“I know, Dad.” 

Skaar had stuffed mittoned hands into jacket pockets, burying his nose into the folds of his scarf. He already knew, and last year their Dads had bought them _A Muppet Christmas Carol_ and a whole tin of gingersnap cookies, and they sat inside all day watching movies and eating cookies with tall glasses of milk.

And because sometimes he did crazy things like that, Skaar sidled over and butted his head a little against his dad’s arm, and then smirked up at him. He loved his dad. Both of them. 

“See you later, Dad,” he said. 

Bruce Banner smiled back, his mouth crooked with it. “Stay safe.” 

Erik Lenhsherr said, “We’ll be back after lunch.” Then he had taken Legion’s hand, and Legion had grabbed Skaar’s before he could protest, and then they were walking out into the cold and the snow and the grey light, the snow pressing wetly into slush under their boots.


	3. Christmas Special Part 2

Mutants aged differently from other humans, apparently. Legion’s father looked older than maybe some of their friends’ fathers, but not old enough to be a grandfather. The same could be said of their uncle. 

Uncle Erik once started saying something about how the aging showed yet another characteristic of the superior evolution—and their father just put his face in his hands and threatened to leave the room and take the chess board with him. 

Uncle Erik didn’t say anything after that. He didn’t like getting into fights with their father, anymore. 

Legion also had two adult “cousins”: Wanda and Pietro. 

While they browsed through an upscale clothing store downtown, and Skaar was surreptitiously trying on rakish hats, David felt the soft cloth of a red scarf, and wondered if Wanda would like one of them. He and Julia and Kostas had a general consensus about getting something nice for Wanda, but Pietro was another story. They were still arguing about that one. Kostas wanted to get Pietro something ridiculous, like underwear with a print of DC’s Flash on it, and David was inclined to wanting the same—but Julia thought that might be going overboard with the joke presents.

They weren’t getting Uncle Erik an ugly tie, anymore. They were getting him a fedora, would hide it under the scarf for Wanda and make Uncle Erik turn around while they paid for everything. 

\---

They bought Pietro the underwear. 

Skaar took one look at the package and almost laughed for the first time all afternoon. David could sense it like a warmth in the air, without even needing to look inside Skaar’s head, and then the way Skaar bit it off and hid his face behind a smirk instead. 

David tugged a little at his braid in an absent way, and wondered what it would take to get Skaar to laugh in a way that wasn’t colored by wryness or sarcasm. 

\---

They sat inside a small bistro, and while Uncle Erik watched the snow outside, Skaar and the Xavier kids had sandwiches grilled hot and also spiced cider. 

Kostas nudged Skaar and asked if he wanted to swap sandwich halves so they could both try a little of everything. Skaar shrugged and let Kostas do whatever he wanted, and Kostas was shameless. 

Uncle Erik was drinking coffee. He said he wasn’t hungry.

There were all kinds of weird stories about Uncle Erik. Like the time he shoved Banshee off a satellite “to build character,” or when he actually convinced Mystique to go around for a week “in her birthday suit,” as their Dad delicately put it, until Aunt Mystique finally said, “this is crazy, you know what, I _like_ clothes,” and nowadays she wore things that complimented her coloring. She wore a lot of white, actually. 

There were a lot of weird stories about Skaar(s) too. About how their mother sacrificed herself and their home planet to feed the appetite of a world eater, about how inadvertently Skaar(s) had been born on the planet’s broken and bleeding crusts, until the spirit of their mother had sent him to Earth.

Big Skaar had arrived on Earth, and he had been angry. He had been savage, blaming his father for everything terrible that had ever happened to him. 

David was a telepath, so he could feel all the heat and shadow still rising and flowing from Skaar’s mind, like the currents of water or air. Big and puny Skaar were collectively a lot more peaceful these days, but you could still feel bits of things glinting through, sharp and metallic. 

It was weird. Maybe they should have left someone(s) like that well enough alone, but they hadn’t. 

\--

Skaar sucked down spiced cider, his hair hanging around his face. 

Uncle Erik said, “Enjoying that, are you?”

Skaar just looked up and smiled with his teeth.

Uncle Erik also smiled back, with his teeth. 

And Julia said, impatiently, “Stop that; Uncle Erik, I thought you were the grown up here.” 

Skaar wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and said, “I don’t care.”

Uncle Erik said, “Good. We’re too much alike, you and I.” 

Julia wanted to cover her face with her hands, and wished there was a chess board she could threaten to take away.

In the meanwhile, Kostas was telling her to get out of the way, she hadn’t let him finish their sandwiches.


End file.
